• “If Moses had seen the way my friend’s face blushes when he’s drunk, and his beautiful curls and wonderful hands, he would not have written in his Torah: do not lie with a man” (rabbi yehuda al-harizi/judah ben solomon harizi, book of taḥkemoni iirc)
• “The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.” ( Mikko Harvey, from “For M,” Foundry)
• I want to stay on the back porch / while the world tilts / toward sleep, until what I love /misses me, and calls me in.(Dorianne Laux, from “On the Back Porch,” Only As the Day Is Long: New and Selected Poems )
• “I am sitting at my kitchen table waiting for my lover to arrive with lettuce and tomatoes and rum and sherry wine and a big floury loaf of bread in the fading sunlight. Coffee is percolating gently, and my mood is mellow. I have been very happy lately, just wallowing in it selfishly, knowing it will not last very long, which is all the more reason to enjoy it now.” (Tennessee Williams, from a letter to Donald Windham)
•I cannot write about Damascus, without the jasmine climbing on my fingers. I cannot say Her name, without my mouth getting overcrowded with apricot juice, blackberries and quince” (Nizar Qabbani, A Green Lantern on Damascus’ Door)
• “Put your heart in it” “My heart’s with you. I don’t have it anymore” (Dear Ex, 2018)
• "Why did you call me at the office today?” “I had nothing to do. I wanted to hear your voice.” (In The Mood For Love, 2000)
• I’ve dreamt about you nearly every night this week (Arctic Monkeys)
• This tweet
• Sharing a bubble bath on a rainy day, Santa Cruz, February 2015.
We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom
They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went
They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE
Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)
They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive
Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).
They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.
They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)
They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.
When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements
They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.
All of these are so important but #5 really sticks out to me. So many “Dom’s” think that this lifestyle is solely about sex and sexual gratification but it really isn’t, in my opinion. Hell, that’s really the last thing that I’m thinking of most of the time because THERE’S SO MUCH MORE THAT GOES INTO BEING A DOM! It’s really a full time job that not everyone is truly up for. You are someone’s care giver. I repeat: YOU ARE SOMEONE’S CAREGIVER! Your responsibility to your sub is to provide structure and clear direction. To be someone they can rely on when things get stressful. Someone to console them and help them work through anxiety no matter how big or small it may seem to you at the time. To be someone that will always provide positive reinforcement and help with self confidence. And honestly, so much more. Add in managing your own life, and it gets a little short on time for anything else. So when sex stuff IS involved, it’s something special. It’s the cherry on top of something already very good. And you should be getting satisfaction by watching her thrive in your dynamic and by watching her grow as a person through your guidance.
If you’re going to be in this lifestyle, be in it for the right reasons and understand the responsibility that comes with it. Because her needs are just as important as yours, and submission is something that you earn. It’s a gift that should be treasurered and respected. Just like your sub.
I adore how she carries his head low, at her side, and not aloft in triumph. This is not a self-aggrandizing hero lauding her great deed. This is a woman who wanted to be left the fuck alone.
Also look at her body. The double hips. The asymetrical boobs. She’s thin, but she’s realistic as hell. That’s a real woman.
